VII : Snapneck Mountain

The Amateur often visits a local animal rescue centre, to laugh at those less fortunate than himself. This time he found himself staring at a crow with an injured wing, and idly reaching for his nailgun, when he saw a message tied to its leg. After shooting it in a stealthy and subversive manner, he retrived this card.

On arrival by friggin’ speedboat, The Amateur was distinctly unimpressed by the party before him.

After making small talk with all and sundry and noting they felt the party was more exciting than he could perceive, the Amateur spotted it – the lift upstairs. Stealthily, he stayed out of the view of the camera above it and waited for someone important-looking to get in. The Amateur followed them and tried some fishing, using a specially weighted fiber wire. Fortunately the ride lasted just long enough for someone to take the bait, it’s always awkward to explain a pair of legs disappearing into the ceiling.

Snazzily attired with luminescent heart (like the care bears!), The Amateur commenced preparations for partying, walking into the party’s Santa.

He was drunk, out of order, and wouldn’t hand over his costume willingly. The Amateur could do a better job – no, The Amateur will do a better job. It’s time to SAVE CHRISTMAS.

After posing for Action Santa shots such as that above, The Amateur decides what he needs is a grotto, a location where he can dispense presents and spread goodwill to all men (and a few lucky women). His first choice of location fulfills the brief but is a little depressing.

Goodwill should not fall out of a delicious bottle! Even thought the tips are good and the other barman keeps giving out aphrodisiacs. Ah, nothing more christmassy than a parade of old men and cold women. But wait, what’s that over there?

Only the symbol of care and love and peace! Grotto this way! The Amateur is filled with promise as he walks into a cave-type location, dimly lit, gaudily decorated, with pixies darting about being pursued by, uh, old men. Boldly, he tries a door.

The Amateur wants to try another door but the pixies guarding it make it very very clear they’ll fill his stockings with lead, and that is only meant to happen to bad boys and girls. But wait, what’s this?

The Amateur has discovered the grotto! He carefully garottes the snooping photographer and drags him through the waterfall, out of view. Time to find the elves. The Amateur engages his binoculars, as they’re only small.

The Amateur is eager to discuss Grotto policy so follows the elf into the business room. “Men are so easy”, says she, and The Amateur makes a note to target men as his primary consumer when suddenly he realises that OH GOD SHE HAS A GUN. The Amateur reaches into his bag of goodies and finds a Mr Knife action figure.

That wasn’t an elf. That wasn’t an elf at all. Walking out, The Amateur finds himself on the set of The Snowman. He looks up.

He looks down.

The Amateur can’t think of a way to use this. Honest.

Edging along the mountainside, The Amateur finds the staff floor, who he figures might know he’s not the real Santa, though he is clearly a better Santa. A suited guard runs out to see what’s going on, The Amateur uses one of his old coins distraction clips to tempt him near the edge and then throooows him off the cliff.

Okay so it’s going to be hard to get his suit. The Amateur proceeds inside to clean up.

The Mr Knife action figures are very popular this year! Inside and through a balcony overlooking the main party, The Amateur finally finds some videotape to record The Great Escape on, for motivational viewing for his next scrape.

The Amateur reluctantly gives up his Santa gig temporarily to enter the next part of the complex, as security guards are getting increasingly suspcious of Santa and it’s doing nothing for the magic of Christmas. He wanders through a set where girls in Santa hats are doing tasteful things when suddenly…

The grotto! The Amateur never stopped believing! Inside is his first, and sadly only customer.

“And what do you want for Christmas, …old…man?”
“What the hell are you doing here”
“A..a speedboat you say? Well there’s one down here!”

“And what about you, little doggy?”
“Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap…”
“A speedboat too? Just eat this speedboat sausage!”

The Amateur heads back to the comforting warmth of his Santa outift and goes to the party to dispense more presents.

That guy certainly looks like he wants a Speedboat. But how to get it to him. Think, The Amateur, think…downstairs!

All the guests have gone upstairs now so there’s pretty much only santa-hatted guards and a laser tripwire fence around. The Amateur must remain the only Santa at the party, though.

Onwards and upwards.

The Speedboat’s down here guys! The Amateur runs to the boat to make his escape with all his satisfied customers. He can’t see them though, they must be below-deck. Away!


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