IV : And I Said Oh, Oh Oh. Kay.

The Amateur often visits a local church on charity days so that he may both emulate his need for practically free soup, and his need to spark the odd religious incident, just like it says in the Professional’s handbook. He found himself beckoned into a room with the promise of special stuff but turns out it wasn’t soup, The Amateur’s convincing Professional disguise even works in public, speckled with croutons. They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said “Alright, where’s the broth”. Not so catchy. And here’s the target for The Amateur’s devilishly fiendish killing.

Could the guy be any more indistinct? More like Vague-Gent Smith, eh? vague-gent? Because he’s vague-lookin’? The last two guys wore incredibly special hats dammit! It’s lucky The Amateur has been pacified with the promise of a further-away boom. It’s getting really awkward having to stand next to the bomb when you detonate it.

Oh Kay II

He also acquires several nifty add-ons for his pistol, and figures that’s why it’s so cheap – they hit you on the accessories.

Oh Kay III

The rehab centre is nice, but The Amateur thinks the colour scheme could do with improving, it looks like someone’s vomited and hung it on a branch. The Amateur briefly considers if that could be used in a mission but decides against it, instead headbutting the first man he comes across, apparently a patient. He then sits very still until the curiously un-aware guard walks off. Corpse-bins!

Oh Kay IV

The Amateur sees what a little patient investigation (gettit? Eh?) will reveal. The woman below apparently finds albinos creepy, which given her practially phosphorescent hair strikes the amateur as the ladle calling the bowl white. Sorry, soup on the brain. Not literally, The Amateur would be dead.

Oh Kay V

The Amateur tracks her a while longer and finds her smoking on a balcony. Smoking kills!

Oh Kay VI

las, The Amateur finds he cannot don her costume and heads back out to find a better one than his dressing gown ensemble. Perhaps guard? The Amateur picks a lock on the left-hand side of the building and has to react somewhat quickly when the incumbent objects.

Oh Kay VII

Oho, but what’s this, blank video tape? Excellent, The Amateur always needs that, what with mysterious agencies taping over the stuff he buys with instructions for the next kill. And a keycard to the medical wing? The Amateur always wanted to be a doctor. He starts dispensing medical advice right away.

  1. SMOKING STILL KILLS

    Oh Kay VIII
  2. STANDING UNDERNEATH FIXED LIGHTING DISPLAYS IS DANGEROUS

    Oh Kay IX
  3. JUMPING THROUGH WINDOWS IS AWESOME

    Oh Kay X
  4. STUN GUNS MAY GIVE ME YOUR CLOTHES

    Oh Kay XI
  5. STANDING NEAR CORPSE-BINS IS DANGEROUS

    Oh Kay XII
  6. JUMPING THROUGH WINDOWS STILL AWESOME

    Oh Kay XIII

Thusly equipped in an orderly’s costume, The Amateur conducts his rounds. His first patient is exhibiting symptoms of hyperactivity, so The Amateur prescribes a sedative, to be taken neckily.

Oh Kay XIV

The second patient, Mr Agent Smith, expresses a wish to be injected with a highly-advanced medicine that will kill him, and The Amateur bravely tries the risky procedure, looting the corpse for a picture of his target, a bald enormous-eyebrowed maniac.

Oh Kay XV

His rounds completed, The Amateur checks out of the medical wing to go see his next three patients, who are apparently paying 50,000 for successful treatment. Well, someone is.

Patient #1 gets a course of electroshock treatment, cleaned off with some fire.

Oh Kay XVI

Patient #2 gets a fixed lighting structure to the face, using the new advanced detonator treatment, and while guards pour into the two rooms to praise the innovative treatment, The Amateur finds Patient #3, and prescribes him a medical poison to be taken neckily.

Oh Kay XVII

The Amateur then leaps across things to his follow-up visit with Mr Agent Smith, suffering from clinical death, and runs to freedom.

Oh Kay XVIII

The Amateur pronounces the operation a success!

Oh Kay XIX

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One Response to “IV : And I Said Oh, Oh Oh. Kay.”

  1. I haven’t read anything funnier than that medical advice in weeks.

    Massive, massive kudos Amateur.

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